forion: (Kyuubey)
TT: As I mentioned, Crockercorp's rebranding on 3-11, as it was often referred to in the news, totally changed everything.
TT: It marked the beginning of a completely shameless downward spiral of western civilization, through a series of events that were probably hard to notice at the time, but quite glaring when evaluated historically.
TT: Though the Baroness made very few substantive gestures of aggression, the global fear of her looming threat would trigger all the changes she needed.
TT: Governments prepared for war, as if to defend against the invading alien armies she undoubtedly commanded.
TT: But of course, she had no army. She was always the only of her kind.
TT: Instead, the world powers were only setting about to build her armies for her.
TT: The media deteriorated into this preposterous circus that was in all practical ways inseparable from the power base and government institutions.
TT: Popular entertainers became dangerous demagogues, and their roles in the media blurred with those of executive authority.
TT: And the most dangerous were the ones who fed into the fear and hysteria most effectively.
TT: These tended to be plants. Unscrupulous shills paid by the Baroness to move her agenda forward.
TT: Well the thing is, most of them are already on the scene in your time.
TT: Ever hear of Guy Fieri?
TT: You're fortunate then.
TT: He was an especially degenerate piece of filth.
TT: He used his connections and guile to wriggle into the spotlight, and then on to other positions of power.
TT: He somehow landed on the U.S. Supreme Court. Over the years, other justices started mysteriously disappearing without being replaced.
TT: After helping rewrite the constitution to form an incomprehensible patchwork of fascism, theocratic mandates, recipes, and bad rap lyrics, he weaseled his way up the ranks to become the High Chaplain of Interstellar War.
TT: I'm just gonna cut to the chase, cause really this ain't a big history lesson here.
TT: He eventually came to be regarded as the third and final Antichrist.
TT: No other human in history was responsible for more death and suffering.
GT: That boorish cur!!!
TT: Yes, that's exactly the phrase I would use to describe someone responsible for the extermination of five billion people.
TT: It was just so uncivilized of him.
TT: But it didn't happen overnight. It was a gradual decline in the integrity of the system that allowed it.
TT: Eventually the wheels came off and the political scene mirrored the absurdity of the media circus.
TT: By the time Presidents Jay and Dope were elected, western civilization had officially fucked itself over forever, and I think everyone knew it.
TT: 2024. The last free election the world would ever see.
TT: They were both president.
TT: They were the first Dual-Presidents of the United States of America. Also the last.
TT: They were also the first and last juggalo presidents. The founding fathers warned us about this, but nobody listened.
TT: The Mirthful Executives.
TT: George Washington had prophetic nightmares about them. He tried to warn people, and get language amended to the constitution to prevent it.
TT: Like forbidding the election of what he famously described as "a pair of salty bards," or "unruly jesters given to the sweet drink."
TT: But everyone just thought he toked too hard on the colonial cannabis or whatever.
TT: They were a shitty rap duo from your time.
TT: But they ran a hell of a campaign. By then the juggalo party had gotten huge. While the numerous other candidates split the moderate vote, they retained a very energized and devoted base.
TT: You could say their party had a big tent.
TT: They were swept into office on a wave of Faygo, and the presidential inauguration was the biggest Gathering of the Juggalos of all time.
TT: They all hosed each other down on the Whitehouse lawn with shitty soda. The "D.C." in the capital thereafter officially stood for "Dark Carnival."
TT: Of course their campaign was helped considerably by having support from the Baroness.
TT: In retrospect, people developed the impression that it was all a part of her sick sense of humor.
TT: There was this sense that she just loved the idea of delegating the extreme subjugation of the world's population to a pair of demented clown rappers.
TT: People were less prepared for a double juggalo presidency than they ever imagined.
TT: I'm not even going to get into all the horrifying details. Trust me, you just start to feel dirty reading about it.
TT: From the moment Fieri held up the bible to swear them in, and the three of them proceeded to publically defecate on it while freestyling rap lyrics...
TT: That was it. Everyone in the world watching it on TV just said, "Welp. Show's over. Civilization was pretty cool while it lasted."
TT: The next several grueling terms of their presidency was a weird combination of authoritarian practices. The Baroness used it as a puppet regime, while still basically giving them carte blanche to carry out their idiotic whims.
TT: Faygo was pumped through the plumbing instead of tap water. The new national pastime was having type 2 diabetes. And the national anthem was replaced by a 3 minute high-reverb audio clip of President Jay farting into a microphone while laughing.
TT: Chaplain Fieri was authorized to set up the death camps, in which anyone on the planet could be imprisoned if they were not deemed sufficiently "mirthful."
TT: And so the cleansing began, priming humanity for its new ruler waiting in the wings.
TT: This was when our ancestors had enough.
TT: The resistance movement had failed, but they could at least bring the war criminals to justice.
TT: My bro finally caught up with the presidents and challenged them to a duel.
TT: They accepted, having for years regarded him as a cocky rival rapper who failed to show them the proper respect. In their arrogance they invited him into the foul belly of the Carnival believing they could teach him once and for all what it truly meant to be down with the clown.
TT: For centuries thereafter, survivors of the Hilarocaust would cite the rooftop showdown as one of the most heroic moments in human history.
TT: He killed them both.
TT: Unfortunately, as they were only figureheads, no liberation followed. There would be no parades in the streets, or statues cast, or medals awarded.
TT: The few witnesses would report seeing only a man with a sword on a shitty skateboard, gently rising into the night sky.
TT: No one ever saw him again.
TT: Meanwhile, Roxy's mom was tracking down the High Chaplain.
TT: His crimes had already been committed. She couldn't repay them by any stretch of the imagination.
TT: But she could wipe the blood stained grin off that fat bastard's face.
TT: She gouged his eyes with a pair of needles.
TT: And rode his torso to the bottom of the bloody falls.

(c)

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